The argument made by the author as to why the government is not doing enough for the wellbeing of Indigenous communities is strong and reliable because the article provides evidence that is effective, accurate, and reliable, which makes the author’s points valid.
The idea is important! But that’s a lot to chew on!
How can we improve this?
Try these strategies:
Trim
Cut redundancy
Let’s see these strategies in action.
Tip
Remember, your writer-focused draft can be anything. The key is, revise so it’s reader-focused. The wordy sentence above is not wrong. It’s how the writer got the idea down. But readers need the revision!
Trim
Let’s trim, or cut unnecessary words.
Consider:
The argument made by the author as to why the government…
Let’s take a closer look at these cuts:
First, use “The author’s” instead of “made by the author”:
The argument made by the author The author’s argument
Now, replace a three-word phrase with one word:
as to why that
The result?
The argument made by the author as to why the government… The writer’s argument that the government…
Combined, these changes reduce the opening from 11 words to six. Almost half the length! Yet with no loss of information.
Tip
Concise writing is your complete meaning in the fewest possible words.
Cut Redundancy
Redundancy is unnecessary repetition. It comes in at least two forms:
Piling up
synonymsTwo different words having the same meaning.
Stating info the reader does not need, because
it’s a given (like telling a chessmaster the rules of the game); or
you’ve already
impliedConveyed indirectly, not stated directly.
it; or
it’s beside the point.
Look again at the original passage. (The main idea is in boldface):
The argument made by the author as to why the government is not doing enough for the wellbeing of Indigenous communities is strong and reliable.
Do we need both “strong” and “reliable”? No! They’re close enough in meaning.
Don’t pile up synonyms.
Also, don’t repeat the word “reliable.” The original says the argument is “strong and reliable,” and the evidence is “accurate and reliable.”
Let’s just say, accurate evidence leads to a strong argument.
Tip
There has to be a really good reason to use two terms when one will do!
Don’t stop at single words. Cut whole clauses, sentences and ideas:
The argument … is strong and reliable because the article provides evidence that is provides effective, accurate, and reliable evidence, which makes the author’s points valid.
Do we need “which makes the author’s points valid”?
Maybe. It depends on how important the idea of validity is here.
If it’s not central, cut it.
Putting It All Together
The revisions below mean the same thing as the original passage. But they’re concise.
Revision 1
The author’s argument that the government is not doing enough for Indigenous communities is strong because it’s based on accurate evidence.
Revision 2
Drawing on accurate evidence, the author convincingly argues that the government is not doing enough for Indigenous communities.
The term “convincingly” implies that the argument is strong, reliable, and effective. We can cut all those terms.
Revision 3
While concise, revisions 1 and 2 above could sound more natural:
The author argues that the government is not doing enough for Indigenous communities. The claim is strong and just, backed up by accurate evidence.
Going Further
We have a concise, natural-sounding version of the original. Next, let’s build it back into a longer statement. Not by padding out the same idea, but by adding new ideas.
By revising for concision, we’ve freed up space. Now we can push further and build the argument.
Recall the original:
The argument made by the author as to why the government is not doing enough for the wellbeing of Indigenous communities is strong and reliable because the article provides evidence that is effective, accurate, and reliable, which makes the author’s points valid. (42 words)
Here’s a sample revision. Notice it’s three words shorter, but says far more:
I accept the author’s claim that the government is failing Indigenous communities. The evidence is accurate, the reasoning sound. The question is, what then? First, I’ll look more closely at the argument’s strengths, then explain why it matters today. (39 words)
In the first half of the revision, which is fewer than 20 words (up to the word “sound”), we say what took twice as many words before.
In the remaining 20 words (the second half of the revised version), we push into new territory, explore implications, and create more interest and anticipation.
We say more with less.
Try it!
Test Your Knowledge
Which of the following best defines concision?
Try It Out!
The author’s point that coronavirus communication must be reasonable and fact-based may help reduce misinformation, and therefore panic.
You can write concisely by:
Trimming
Cut unnecessary words
Compress your language (“as to why” = “because”)
Cutting redundancy
Cut synonyms
Cut direct statements of what is already implied
By writing concisely, you make room to push your ideas into new territory. Your writing becomes at once clearer and lighter yet richer in information.
The idea is important! But that’s a lot to chew on!